Reasons Why I’m Better Off Living Alone

When you wake up in the morning by yourself, the whole bed feels like a vacation. Sharing that space with a partner has some benefits, but I don’t think they outweigh what you receive flying solo.

I can starfish on the mattress. If I want to sleep diagonally, that can happen. There isn’t a rogue 6 AM alarm to wake me up unless I’m the one who mistakenly set it.

Here are more reasons why I’m better off living alone.

1. I Hate Laundry

Laundry baskets are from the devil. Why organize dirty clothing into a container that becomes smelly? I like the floor method of management. When most of my closet is littered around the bed or the bathroom, I know it’s time to visit the washing machine.

2. I Take Supplements

Do you know how garlic capsule manufacturers say that your breath won’t turn nasty when you take their product? They aren’t lying, but you won’t want to smell my gas. I like taking what Natural Factors and Terry Naturally offer. There’s less bloating, more energy, and I tend to sleep better at night.

3. I Watch Terrible TV

You know what my favorite movie is right now? The Postman, with Kevin Costner. I’m also a big fan of Waterworld. If I’m not watching those, it might be BASEketball. Since I can quote these films verbatim, you probably need to find another place to hang.

4. I Don’t Share Beer

Bring your own beer if you want to watch The Postman with me. I worked hard for my money. I like the good stuff.

5. I Clip My Toenails in Bed

What can I say? It’s convenient. With no one there to nag me about how disgusting that habit might be, it just happens. I also enjoy dinner in bed quite often.

6. I Don’t Watch Professional Sports

Sports are annoying. People get fired up about this player or that, some stupid play that happened, or what player a team should hire. I’ve got enough on my plate worrying about COVID-19. I don’t care where Tom Brady plays.

7. I’m Opinionated

I don’t shut up. What you see here is how I am in real life. Some people think they can handle it, but they’re wrong.

So, that’s it. There’s my list. Those are the reasons why I’m better off living alone. You’re welcome to come over, but you need to bring your own beer and a sleeping bag for the floor.