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My New Year’s Eve Party Is Better Than Yours

I love throwing a great New Year’s Eve party each year. It’s the time when the entire neighborhood comes over, we grill some burgers, and stay up way later than adults our age should be to celebrate the fact that we’re still alive.

It’s a BYOB affair. I’ve always got a bottle of expensive scotch to share, but I tend to forget where I place it. We laugh, play games, offer hugs, and keep the bedrooms closed because Nancy and Greg try to get naughty each year.

None of that means my party is better than yours. Here is why people are coming to my door in the year of COVID-19 when everyone else is staying at home.

We Socially Distance The Right Way

There’s enough room in the backyard for everyone to stay at least six feet away from each other. We’re all a little anti-social anyway, so we were keeping our distance before the government convinced us it was cool to be that way.

I Have an Automatic Drink Dispenser

You read that right. People can get their favorite soda or water without needing to touch anything. I have it hooked up to an old smartphone. People just yell, “Hey Google! Engage the machine!” and BOOM – the beverage comes out. I throw in the occasional can of Fanta to throw people off.

I Am a Master Griller

Some people say that they are masters without providing evidence. I’ve got awards to prove that I’m one of the best grillers in the world. If you want hockey pucks for burgers, there’s a place across town that throws another party. Only the best foods get served here.

We Don’t Ban Kissing

Except for Nancy and Greg, we don’t ban kissing. Not even this year, in the COVID era. You’ll sign a waiver that says if you caught a contagious disease that it’s your fault and I’m not to be blamed, but go ahead and get your smooch on.

You’ve Got a Place to Crash

I’ve got lots of floor space. If you drank too much egg nog, grab a blanket and a snooze. We’ll wake you in the morning.